I’ve learned to love without jealousy. I’ve learned to love without expectation. And all my days of never feeling good enough have been taken away. There’s no me to worry over. Since I fell in love with you. And though there’s pain in realizing the truth about things. This wonderful delusion had to give way eventually. The love is still here. It’s always there, with you. How could anyone be good enough for you? When I awake the birds are still singing, no matter what darkness has followed me. I could lose myself in some empty flirtation, and then I stumble on a picture of you. One I hadn’t seen before. And I feel my heart break. It’s a feeling hard to put into words. A yearning, this deepest soul wishing, to be somebody who matters to you. That feeling that goes back to earliest memory, of standing outside and looking in a window. And there you are so happy. And I wonder why it’s my lot to have no key. Why it seems my destination is solitary. And the thoughts arrive, “Who are you kidding? Well, that’s what you get for dreaming!” It’s that once-in-a-while searing pain where it’s hard to even breathe, while others assume I am happy and carefree. And people fall in love all the time. And maybe only a few find it reciprocated. That leaves a lot of pain in the energy of the world that finds its way into other things. There’s Bogie saying, “The problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” It’s a personal pain only felt by me. At some point it’s better to know the truth than to live in a fantasy, as comforting as the fantasy may be. But there’s a strength beneath the pain I never had before! There’s no mistaking it’s been your influence on me. Ah, what would it feel like to hear you say, “I love you.” I imagine it would be ecstasy! It’s funny, I never allowed myself to imagine it, in all my fantasies. I suppose it would feel like, in one lightning moment, all my demons disappearing, and this feeling of sunshine and coming home. Maybe it would be followed by fear. “Oh, no! Now that I’m here, how will it fall apart?” When she realizes I’m not good enough. For her. But, I’m not so sure. Those three words would be so powerful, I imagine I’d be fighting back tears. All I could ever want in this world is to be loved by you. Even as a friend. While others say, “I could never be just friends with you,” I’m looking up and begging for the part!! To be your friend! Wow! Well, it would make it easier. My nagging insecurities wouldn’t be put through the mill. It would be like the joy of seeing a child you love who isn’t your own. An aunt or a grandparent. You get the best of both worlds. You can show your best side, and at the end of the day you go home. There’s a lot less pressure that way. Forget president! Being your partner would be the biggest job in the world. If one isn’t up for the task, to fill such big shoes, it would readily become apparent of just how much there is to lose! Like flying the most majestic jet plane without a license. Like being ahead of your skis while careening down a mountain. The person would have to be so secure! To earn the title that goes with being your number one. So maybe it’s better this way. My job is simply to uplift you. Well, hopefully I do. That’s the hope, anyway. To make you feel better. Through words. A song. A novel. A laugh. My thoughts are not at all on popularity, or financial gain, or fame, or anything of the like. It matters not, to me. My job is to make you happy in some way. And when I succeed at remembering this mantra of mine, I am in my happy place. I may quietly plod along with creating some semblance of a “nice” life spiritually, emotionally, physically, and even financially. But, to be your number one! Ah! I’d have to be twice the guy I’ve grown into being. Maybe it’s better like this, while my seed is still growing. Hopefully into something sublime. And serene. A vine that bears flowers, or a tree you can rest under. I’m growing all the time, because of you. But maybe I’m not yet as sturdy as I’d hoped to be. And I’d break under the pressure. Better I keep growing, until I’m someone you’d remember. Fondly, I hope. But it feels the dream has been taken away. The illusion I so have clung to had to give way. Someday. I was so comfortable there. I didn’t want to let go. But at some point it’s better to know the truth about things, no matter what pain it brings. Some part of you always knows. But I swear there’s something else in there, too. Some kind of love. Maybe that’s illusion, too. But something in the deepest part of me says there is love here that’s pure. I feel it all the time. And all that pain gets cleared away. It’s funny how fast it moves its way through me these days. It doesn’t stick around. And some healing has been found. And I’m happy to just adore you. I know there’s been some healing because my deepest fear of all was the day I would wake up and learn you are getting married. I always wondered, “What would I do?” How far would I fall? Would I drink again although it’s now been years since I have?” And I knew the answer was no. It would be this tremendous pain I would carry alone. I’d probably disappear for a few days, maybe go off and sail some sea. Just four-legged Jakey and me. And find a way to restore. But the interesting thing of going through the pain of this morning – waking up for no reason at 2:44. It was like some astrological transit of the worst degree. That alone in the middle of the night feeling when the world comes crashing in on me. And illusions are destroyed. But I got through it, and now the idea of my worst fear of that day arriving, I know the pain will have been lessened because of today. And it’s these little personal demons I face that I often don’t write about. But when I deal with them I know there’s been some kind of growth, because each one gets me to a better state of being. If handled properly. Not through escaping, but accepting whatever is true. And feeling the pain in all its might, and finding I’ll survive it all and get through. And I’m a little better than I was the day before. And I’ll be laughing and writing silly posts and songs, and struggling through a novel. Accepting whatever is to come. I guess that’s how it feels when you love someone. There is so much bliss! And joy I’ve never known. But also pain of a kind that’s hard to put into words. And I face it head on, and I feel myself growing. Always a little better than I was before. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. My heart has told me so. You’re the woman in the window while I stand outside without a key. And yet you’re also the person who has awakened absolutely everything in me!! This last year or two have been the best of my life. I never knew I could express at all, and because of you it’s made up a whole book! And melodies I’ve composed. I’m no pro. I can barely play. But there seems to be a touch of magic in all of it, because you are the inspiration. You’ve made me so much better. A look from you and I’m through!! You’re absolutely everything I find so beautiful. And my soul sings out like a child. I know it’s such an honor to know you. Well, in my little way, I do. And you have touched me like no other. And whatever pain there was has subdued. Another illusion taken down. Those ones I clung to so tightly and treasured. And yet I go on, a little bit stronger for it. And still loving you. If that’s okay with you. It’s so honestly what I most love to do. ❤️