Something gentle, of you and pink roses and lavender. They say you’re doing okay now. You’re coming along. You accept your age, you accept what you got. And what you don’t got. You’ve learned that’s how the key fits in the lock that unlocks a little magic. You’ve learned. Maybe you got a little place on the cape – a place you hide away. And maybe when someone sees you, they whisper to the other, “Oh, yeah, he’s great with her. But he only had one love of his life. He lights a candle to her every night. He just doesn’t say it’s for her. But there’s an old picture of her he’s kept – in the drawer underneath.” Maybe if you live long enough, everybody has a love like that. I don’t know what it was, but I felt you come over me at 4:47 p.m today. I looked at Alexa to note the time. I was standing in the living room – converted into a pretty poor excuse of a gym! – and I thought of you. And I felt this softest feeling come up over my back. Working its way up. It felt like a high of some sort! And, I loved it! Because I haven’t had a “high” in the way most people get since 2016! I’m still feeling it now. Like rosebuds, and this scent is with it. Like lavender. Oh, I’m not good with identifying those kinds of things. But it’s your scent, I’m sure of it. And it’s working its way up my face. It’s wound its way around, and touched my chest. It’s like this release of endorphins. Every thing feel-good. I wish I could bottle it. I so don’t want it to fade away. It’s *still* all over me, as I type this. Now science would say it’s just some hormonal release or something. I don’t know! But I thought I’d just type it out, if by chance any word or warm thought was shared about me around that time. Somewhere now around 4:51. You’re the warmest girl in the world. Oh, I can get so lost in the feeling of you. You’re heaven sent. I’ll love you till the end of time, if you don’t mind. Maybe someday you’ll call me, “old friend.” And place your hand against my cheek, kind of the way Sinatra would to a friend, and say, “I love you, pal.” Maybe you see me doing that to you. I’ve been feeling a bit like Sinatra lately. The Italian in me, coming through. You bring it all out of me. So effortlessly. I’ve grown so. Because of you. Softly. Gently. You make me feel like a man. You bring it out of me. But first I had to explore my softer side, so you’d know that it was there. You’ve given me such confidence. You’re the reason I love the skin that I’m in. For the first time, I guess. You’re the reason when some jerk now writes a horrible comment, I shock back with words that would kill a nun! “You tawk like that?? You kiss youh mawtha with dat mouth you gawt??” (that was my attempt at a Northern New Jersey accent; um, yeah, stick to Bahstin, she says.) And then I block and delete it. What’s the point in carrying on? But I don’t stand down. I had one secret addiction left, that I’ve carried off and on for four years. I’d stick a little snus packet up in my gum. It’s an ugly little habit, but it’s easy to hide. I had quit coffee since last July, but then decided it was actually good for me! And since being back with my black, I’ve lost twenty pounds in the space of a month, and feeling close to fighting shape again. But that snus. It’s not good for my skin. I always look better when I’m off it. But I haven’t had the balls to quit again. It tends to go with my writing. But I threw it away today! You inspire me in ways I never even talk about. In the hope of a ‘perfect April’. Just working out and nothing artificial and making myself even better. I know when on video, well, I’ll look a little older. But, I don’t care. I’ll carry it well. There’s so much you’ve taught me. I wouldn’t be this guy who likes the skin he’s in if I never saw you. You took me through every phase of this. I’m not even remotely the guy I was two years ago, just before I first saw you. I know you don’t feel like you did anything! Well, maybe you do. Maybe you know. I’ve been bouncing my energy off you, for a long time now. I think you know what I mean. I think you feel it, this little game, of this excited lil loving energy bouncing back and forth. Somehow through it, through all that writing – through all those looks! There is *nothing* so exciting!! As a look from you. You taught me where I needed to grow. If someone screws with me, I tell them where they can go – immediately! – and they know I mean business. Most only f—k with you if they feel they can get away with it. Those days are so long gone. I haven’t got the room. There’s this comfort now that comes over. And I express deeper than I ever have before. I’m not afraid to falter. Every little bit of it is thanks to you. I don’t know what I’d do if I hadn’t met you. Well, you know what I mean. It’s something about being seen by you. When I stood in front of two thousand people on a stage and heard cheering, that feeling is *nothing* compared to the idea that I have your attention. Yours are the only eyes that light me up inside. That soft feeling of you is now settling into my chest. At 5:11 as I write this, in the afternoon. You’re inside me and you’re all about the room. I swear I smell your perfume. When I tell you I get the rewards, moments like this is what I mean. This loving euphoric splendor. I’d love to be your old pal someday. If you feel I have something to offer. Just before the feeling of you came over me, I was thinking, “April 1, 2020 … think ten years out … to April of 2030 … forget everything that’s been, and just build off what you have … what kind of guy do you want to be?” And I felt this excitement and hopefulness. This positivity. Maybe by the pool on the cape, someday in there, there’ll be that soft touch of a gentle hand. Soulful eyes, you can feel the love all around, whispering softly to you, “hiya, pal.” That warmth of friendship. Where you know I’m so deeply in love with you, but you’re safe in the comfort of knowing it’s friendship. Something spiritual. So that when caught up in the drama of desires and passions that tend to rule below, there’s this safe raising up feeling when we think of each other. It lives somewhere a bit higher in the air, not affected by hurricanes or tornadoes, that roar on below in other relationships. I know I could have that with you, if you ever decide it. I know the love is there. That’s ingredient #1. Strongest love I ever felt. All else is built upon that. You’ll always be young to me, no matter your age. You’ll always be young. And so beautiful. To me. Always. My prayer is that you see me as a harbor in the storm. I know the only way to get there is through being time and storm tested. To prove my dependability. Over and over again. To have learned over time and teaching how to channel my passion. There will always be passion felt, passion for you. I think you like that – that you know it is true. And yet through growing up and learning , that it’s channeled into loving. It doesn’t depend on something physical. The touch of your cheek and “I love you, pal,” said softly. On some night so far away, when you need it. And you feel my love, so strongly. It will always be here. Your knowing you’re safe. Cradling under my coat, while my chin rests on your head. And lost in an embrace, for as long as you could ever want it. Those moments that live forever. I’d so love to be your friend. That kind of friend. A friend that lasts forever. I feel that way, every day. I still feel you, all over me now, at 5:32 p.m. This scent or feeling of pinkish red roses and lavender. If someday you are ever craving a friend – one whom you so deeply know loves you – there is always a candle lit for you. No big fanfare. If you say hello, I’ll be calm and soothing. Gentle and masculine. I promise. I promise you’ll immediately feel that you did the right thing. I might not know much, but I know you will feel that way. If ever that day arrives. In the meantime, all the benefit has been my own. You have no idea how profound knowing you has been – through words or a song. All this growing that I’ve done, I owe it all to you. You’re still all about me. I feel you in my heart, at 5:44. And tomorrow is April 1. A good day for a fool to begin. And think about the next ten years. I’ve had so much success over the last few, so much of it I can directly tie to you. And as for those next ten, I picture places where it’s safe to be about – so many places I would love to show you. Here’s the funny part. I can picture you there, and I can also picture them without you – and yet still feeling you inside. The way I do now. Somehow it’s just as real, either way. That’s how I feel when I concentrate on you. You’re the realest thing in the room. I feel you all over my body. You so strongly reside inside my heart. A love so gentle, a love so strong. Showing you the rewards that I’ve won. I’d so love to share them with you, if only just one time. To feel you trace your finger gently over my cheek while you look into my eyes. Seeing something, something in me, as if you’re looking beyond my eyes. And overwhelmed, I hear myself so gently whisper to you, “hey, pal.” And it’s like we’ve known each other forever. And it’s the safest you’ve ever felt. It’s that kind of love. Strong, and never asking for a thing. And you can tell it’s here forever. With me. I promise it always will be. It waits for you. It is patient. It understands you might never come, and that doesn’t change a thing. Accepting anything. It’s understanding. I light a candle to you every night. I don’t know if you can ever see it. But on some days, I hope you feel it. I hope you have gentle moments like the one I am so blessed to have of you today. Something gentle, of you and pink roses and lavender. And your heart is made a little lighter. I treasure that place I find in your eyes. You are magic come to life. In my life, there is no gift that’s sweeter. Or more mysterious. Or wonderful. You are treasured. I hope you feel a softness. I’d love to know you feel me the way I feel you. My embrace. Something in my scent that feels like home. And picture me looking into your eyes, when you close your own. And this warmth comes over you. And I whisper, “It’s so good to see you, friend.” You’ve shown me everything. If someday you ever find you need it, you have a friend forever waiting, and never expecting. Someone who loves you, oh so very very much. It’s forever. This candle will never burn out. When you can’t see it, I hope you can feel it. I know it doesn’t look this way, but you’ve given me all the rewards. Today is just another one. ❤️ … thank you.