Thank you, for everything. Thank you for opening so much up inside of me! It was something so special for me, that’s beyond my understanding of however it came to be. I’m paging through one hundred and forty-four posts, and it’s all kind of astounding to me. A few jump right off the page, they feel so alive and bursting with joy. That’s how you’ve made me feel. And so many others, of course. When I get brave enough to look elsewhere, I see the writing is on the wall. And it’s silly of me to dream of ever being your friend. So I’ll quietly leave softly. If okay, I’ll choose to believe the look was for me! I’ll never get over that look of yours. I wish I had the words!!! I’ve tried so many times to capture who you are. At my very best, I still failed to get to the essence of who you are. But I love those times I came close! I’m always astounded by you. And that very special thing you said a while ago! Whether any of it – the looks or the words – were for me, what’s the harm in believing? You’ve brought me so much happiness. I’m so sorry for any silliness I caused. I honestly don’t know what I’ll write about now. It’s always been you. You’re so beautiful to me. I know the world feels this way about you, too. Thank you. Really … truly, deeply, Thank You. You’re magical. You’ll always be that person who defies all words. The happiest I’ve ever been has been in trying to find a few that might express it all. That’s what it’s all been about. But I suppose it’s time for me to move on. I don’t feel I’m helping anything. It’s become selfish on my part, trying to hang on because I so don’t want to let go. I’m afraid of waking up tomorrow, and remembering what I’ve done, and I’ll start pushing the tears down, and wishing I could delete it and start all over again. Writing these words, I mean. But it’s probably not fair to anyone. And maybe not fair to me, either. I loved so losing myself in you, but maybe on some level that’s not healthy. Because there are tangible things I’m ignoring. I know that ship has already sailed on me being crazy! It’s been close to two years, I suppose! But there was so much magic in it all for me. From dreams other people had about this whole experience! I promise you it’s true! It all really, honestly happened. And they only made sense to me months later when I found myself so enthralled with you. And then dreams I had on my own that kept me going. One was silly, it was near the beginning. You were manning a camera and aiming it. And another person said, “What about J.D. Martinez?” Some successful athlete, in terms of all the kinds of guys who would fall in love with you. And you were beaming! You said, “No, this is my type,” or something to that effect. And it was like you aiming your animus (it’s a Carl Jung thing, I guess) and saying I was the one!! You were beaming! You were so happy! Whether you meant it as something big or just a friend. And I woke up so inspired! It was the most vivid dream for me, when before that dreams hardly ever registered with me. So, not being the bravest guy in the world, it was dreams like these that kept me going. There were so many like it along the way, coming at times any mere mortal would say it’s through. Even when some unexpected guests arrived in February 2019, deep deep down, beneath my terror, there was this soothing feeling. It’s hard to put into words. Like those angels I talk about, seemingly saying to me – smiling even, that was the feeling – “Don’t worry, it’s all going to be okay. It’s part of the plan.” I promise I never would have been so brave on my own. Or seemingly so silly or brazen. I never was before. And I don’t expect I’ll ever be again. But now it feels I’m holding on to illusion. So I forced myself to look a little deeper. And all I find tells me I’ve been such a fool. Strange, though, I don’t feel embarrassed. I’ll never regret a single moment of loving you. Seeing you has been the most magical thing that has ever happened to me. You’ve change me completely. You made me better. You helped me become the person I want to be. I know I still have a ways to go, of course. It’s work every day. Someone once said, “A gentleman knows when to leave the party.” I never quite understood what that means, but now I guess I do. You’re in love with another, and I have no right to do any of this. I know that should have been obvious. I’m sorry to him and to you. And to anybody else I ever upset, if I did. But, wow … What a magical ride it has been. For me. You’re starlight, you’re just everything I could ever possibly dream existed! And yet you’re even more that that. I would have been so happy, honestly, to ever be called your friend. I never dreamed for anything more that that. I was never quite brave enough for that. Not with you, that is. In all my life, nobody has ever awakened so much inside. My heart is beating so fast as I write this, my chest is visibly moving. I’m so afraid to publish it. This fear of letting go. But if I was ever meant to be your friend, if even in any smallest way, then maybe someday it would come back again, wouldn’t it? Isn’t that the meaning of letting go? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. But I know I’m not helping anything. The sun is setting as I’m writing this, and the room is getting dark. And I’m thinking of all the magic and wonder of twenty months vanishing into the air, just like that. Like that quiet when they turn off the stage lights, when something so wondrously alive was happening on the stage just a moment before. I’ll always hold onto the memory of you. You’re always in my heart. I promise you that for sure. You saved my life. You really honestly did. I prayed for you in July of ’18. I remember it vividly. I was sitting in a chair in my room. Going on two years sober, and I had interest from a few girls. But there was this emptiness I felt. I prayed to fall in love. I’m so happy it was you. You taught me how to love. I know it always could only have been you. It’s like some part of me always knew, even before I saw you. That this was waiting for me. And then all that magic that started with a friend’s dream of me, looking at you. I don’t know if you believe in any of that. I’m sure I wouldn’t have before. But it happened to me. I lived it. So now I always know there’s something more to what we see. I so love that it’s been you. You saved my life, and you started it, too. I’m trying to figure out who I am, this new person I’ve become. All of it is due to you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. I hope you always remember that, no matter what happens in your life. … I wrote this back in October … I guess it sums up the feeling a bit – although nothing could ever sum up you: “Let me die all those little deaths. And let my tears do the rest. It’s a life fully lived when it’s a living from the heart. You go where it says. All life is pain. It’s everywhere you look. But like the crucifixion, it’s the passage way to hope. You can’t avoid it. Life is always on the edge of death. But that death is change; the womb to a birth. Now you’re something bigger. From the caterpillar to the butterfly. You can’t see it when in the cocoon. It feels the world is ending. And yet it’s all starting to bloom. So keep your love, even with the pain it brings. It’s leading you to wonderful things. The wise might be wise. They know a lot of things. But let me work from the heart, no matter what it brings. It’s always a gift of something better, even if the box appears empty. What was inside is now all about, and lifting ones you love. On their journeys, wherever they may be. When you’ve given of yourself, you touch the face of God. As I lay a little bird to sleep. You see all your loss when looking to the ground. But, no, you keep on. You walk strong and humble through the rain. With your head raised up, you take in heavenly birds in the skies. Wings flying free! Look at all your birds so high up in those grandest trees! Off on new adventures, they sing celestial songs for me. …” ❤️  Thank you. For everything. ❤️ I love you!