You give me such hope! Here I worry I’m old, but I’m young! You make me young! So, I’m starting life at 50! It’s been done before! I’ll do it better!! I can pretend I’m Rumplestiltskin (I can *never* spell that name, forgive!! — just as well, it was Rip van Winkle I’ve come to find out!) – and pretend I’ve been in a coma for years, and I’m just waking up! So, I might not make it the normal way! So, I’ll make it another way! What is “making it,” anyway! In my case, it’s being a friend. Or feeling that way. Even if so little is ever said. As you can see, I can do most of the talking for us both, anyway! I hope you’re okay. I hope O—-e is, too. I worry about you when you’re gone. I know it’s silly, I suppose. You’re my favorite thing in the world! To write about. To get lost in. It’s my happy place. Everything about you shines inside. You cast a light, into any darkness. It comes from you. It’s there, whatever it is you’re doing, whatever it be you’re thinking. Life is strange when you’re not around. A little emptier. Ah, there’s so much missing, who am I kidding! There are the trees, there’s the sun. Like the whole stage is set for the play, and the leading lady is nowhere to be found. I worry about you when you’re gone. I worry for myself a little, too! What the heck will I write about! Navage nose purifiers? I already riffed on that! You make me feel so young! I pulled myself together, finally!! Do you know they make these things!! What are they called … faucets!! Those things you find on a sink, like in the kitchen. Well, come to find out, they make them on walls, too! Can you believe it?? And it’s surrounded by all this smooth material. I can’t remember what it’s called. Oh, porcelain! I swear I’m not making this up!! And there’s this sliding glass door, and you turn it on. At first, I was standing outside it. Then I figured out you’re supposed to be *inside*! I know this sounds nuts!! I tried it a few times, and then got daring, and even took my clothes off!! It’s like this big glass and porcelain sink, but meant for a human, and not the dishes! I know, this is the stuff of science fiction!! Well, call me crazy, but I went for it! And, after about a half hour in there – that water was running hot. Don’t even get me started on this stuff called soap! I got out, and I put on some shorts, and a blue hoodie without a t-shirt – I’m funny that way. But, I looked so young – to me! And refreshed! And I thought of you, and how I love how you’ve inspired me. So deeply, too. And I watched this special on Garry Marshall, and how people loved him because he brought so much joy and laughter. And, I thought, well, I’m starting from scratch from a little older, but I’d settle for just bringing joy to one person. I always so deeply hope that person is you. That you smile a little or a lot, if you’re ever reading. And I thought to myself, Stop being such a schmuck! Post some video and get the ball rolling, so I’ll start by May 31st! It will be a work in progress. I have no goal to write a movie screenplay for you (like Garry would do!), but I would in a heartbeat if you asked me to!! Any direction from you, and you have no idea how I would come to life!! Yes!! Whatever it is, YES!!! Writing your biography (that’s one of my favorite posts I wrote – “The Story of Your Life”), or something like a teleplay. I know I could write for you!! I’d tailor it to your humor, and all your un-capturable qualities, I’d capture a few. I know the way you talk, I know the way you breathe. The sentences would be written in your rhythm, and there’d be love on every page. I’d do anything you say to do. And be in heaven to have simply been asked! That’s the effect you have, on a heart who loves you. In the meantime, I’ll dream of you. I never dream past saying hello, but sometimes for fun, I imagine just a little bit more! Imagination is free, after all! If ever married in some far-off future (like 2054!), I’d take your last name if the choice was given. I’d love the sound of that! Todd ——-s!! I swear whatever Paul McCartney felt when knighted, I’d feel a *million* times more honored to be knighted Todd ——-s!! Who wants to be called “Sir,” anyhow? Who needs some fancy superiority at the front of the name! But for my name to *end* with yours? … Wow, that would be the greatest thing in the world! It would feel the ultimate honor. I wouldn’t care what people think. Emasculated? Hardly! In a world of cowardly sheep, who’s the one brave enough to do what his heart says to do? That’s right, Bucko (said like Richie Cunningham)!! And not fearing a thing – of what *other* people too afraid to question rules and tradition say to do! I couldn’t care less about those who deride. I care about you. What’s in a name anyhow? Nothing, unless it’s a name that signifies *you.* It’s a lot easier to spell than my own, anyhow! And if anyone questions my ability to protect, they’d be in for a stunning lesson on the subject. I’ve got Archangel Michael on my shoulder. Anyway! It’s a nice dream to have, to pass the time, when in quarantine. I don’t usually let dreams roam that far as you know. But somebody said something interesting in that Garry Marshall special on ABC. Something like, “If you want success in a professional life and personal life, the secret is the personal life always comes first.” Number one. I kinda know what they’re saying. I’m only just building, but because all I do is based on the love I feel for you, I notice that other stuff is magically growing!  Even if a seed planted in shade when it’s thirty degrees! It’s sprouting regardless!! And doing the best it can. The best it can be. Things can grow in the most difficult of places, if there is love in the energy. It all comes from you. You’re the sun. And your light grows all those other parts. It’s only natural you would come first. Everything good is born out of you. I’m just a silly guy who goes on about faucets on walls! Surrounded by porcelain and glass doors! You must think I make this stuff up!! I can’t believe it myself!! But it’s all true, I promise you. You make me feel so alive. I dream of you, and things open up inside. And I find in places where I’m not quite as brave, those places get nudged open a bit. And I feel it’s okay to try. I was watching this video by Marilyn Van Derbur, a motivational speaker, before she came out as being an incest survivor and that freed her. But she listed what seemed *endless* examples of people who overcame various shame and self-limitations – at every age imaginable! – and who found their way. Some starting over, some for the very first time. As long as you’re breathing, the door is just as open. Life is too short to feel shame of any kind or sadness. You’re loved so exquisitely. It’s so wonderfully unconditional! That’s how it always will be. I won’t let my fears get in the way. Especially if there’s a message to say. If that message is filled with hope and love, you can feel a few angels pulling strings. You get a lot of help along the way, from those seen and unseen. It’s a beautiful feeling. You give me hope in that way. It doesn’t expect anything. Even if it spins off in the occasional dreaming of you! I feel this warmth and this love inside when I see you. And on days like these when worried because you’re not seen or heard from at all. And hoping you’re okay. And no harm has come into your world. Because you brighten every day. You make me better every day. I’m a work in progress, so thankfully that feeling you give is always there to lift me. It’s a moment-to-moment kind of thing that spreads out over days that become years. So dreaming might be fun, but right here is even better! Because you’re in everything. What better place is there to be. Than in the here and now. You’re uplifting. You’re the Sun. On days you’re not around, by definition it’s cloudy. But faces are still smiling. Because they know you’ll soon shine again. They look at their weather apps. They circle their calendars. They plan events around you! You’re loved like that. In that kind of way. You shine on people and inspire their dreams, and wash away their fears. Even if you never see them – let’s face it, the Sun is kinda far from Earth! – they see you, for sure! You warm people. You’re so beautiful. You’re the light that lights the world. ☀️🌟😊 … ❤️ Thank you!!       

*It’s been a challenging month – I know, for everyone! So I’m sorry I’ve fallen behind on comments. I thank you for them all. I’ll get to every one over the coming days. And some new video starting May 31st. And if you like endless gushing, “THERE SHE IS!!” is on amazon (search “todd demartinis”). You’re beautiful. You inspire even when you don’t feel inspired. You have *such* beauty, and such magic about you. ☀️ … (forgive my making up stories about faucets on walls! … p.s. — I promise I smell good!!! And I’m cute!! Had to make sure to get that in there at the end!!! 😃       

 

p.s. rambling (bonus!) … 😃

🌟🌟🌟🌟!!! Okay, I know I’ve gone way over the gushing limit! Ah, I can’t even type. But you’re royalty. That’s how it feels. THat’s how it looks*!! I mean, who tops you?! In anything?!! I swear that’s it’s nobody. And with your jacket draped over your shoulders, and your eyes, those cheeks, and that smile. Talk about Queen!! (Speaking of which, I was educating myself on Beyonce´ – and “Who won the world? Girls!” was blaring in my ears when I saw your face appear! “Ah!!!” I yelled, and one flew under the sofa. I hope Jake doesn’t swallow it. I’ll get it just after this effusing! (Is that a word? Yeah, why not!) I tried to freeze on your nod, but I can’t catch it, so it’s just a millisecond before. On that smile!! Mona Lisa, move over. There’s *so* much in it, scholars could study it for millennia if a painting. I wish I could post a picture of it so you seen what I mean. Your eyes. I mean, there are no words to be said. That’s where it all ends. That’s where one locks in! But it spreads. Oh, boy, does it. Your hair is simply softness going out to play. Your hair, your skin!! Your eyes, your lips. Paragraphs could be written on each part alone!! You know I could do it! But, I’ve said *so* much. And, it’s pretty daring. Because my intuition feels a little off – well, since getting out of bynd at a really good place! So many far bigger decisions were made that were life saving. All based on that little feeling. It’s the one that tells me it’s okay to go on about you, and not fear detectives. But, sometimes it shuts off, and I get a little nervous. Actually, the worst feeling is, ‘ah, she’s not looking at all! what am I doing!’ But soon enough, this warm little burst comes over. I could be doing anything. And I see that smile of yours, and your eyes that look into heaven. And I feel like, it’s really just fine. Maybe ‘Halo’ – once in that rarest play – she might someday think of me with that song in mind. I know I’m no angel, but I feel like one when it comes to you. I know, I’ve had a couple of meltdowns, but that came when feeling so down about myself when old toxic memories came calling. And I lashed out and rebelled against everything. Anyway! *Way* too many words today! I know it can’t possibly have a good effect on how you view me. But, don’t worry! THis is a long game!! For lack of a better word! You don’t have to feel anything now for me! This is all laying down the groundwork for 2043 (or year of your choice! you see they vary!). The day never feels complete – I literally lose sleep – if I don’t get to express how beautiful you are. Some days it’s magic (“ya think?”), other days it’s tragic. Ah, easy rhyme, I know. But I love those days when I express it just right. This might not be one of them, but all I pray is that you know my heart is in the right place. I’ll be quiet if you want! Just use a signal! God knows I look for them where they don’t exist! She used the word “the.” I did, too! Okay, we *must* be onto something! I promise I could just be a friend. I’m a work-in-progress that’s been off the assembly line much longer. You’re everything successful, and you’re young forever in my eyes. I can read the writing on the wall, believe me! But I’d die to simply say you’re a friend. Maybe someday? I promise I’d treasure such a thing forever and always. In the meantime, it’s just Day 717 of laying down the boards. To build a foundation that might take years to construct. It might work out! It might get washed away. But I could never imagine a better use of my time. Against all odds? Well, the odds are still worth it. If there’s even *one* gold-painted ping-pong ball in the sea of blue ones. In the chance it would be chosen. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m happy that I simply get to remind you. And this is when Tolstoy looks at me in disgust, and says, “J-sus, you’re *still* writing?!” (He wrote a lot, I guess. I’d tell you more about it, but I’m not that well read. You’re surprised, I can tell … ahem.) It’s amazing! It’s May 14, 2020. And I’m sitting here, lost in a haze over you. It’s painful how beautiful you are. Well, this ache filled with bliss. It was this way last May, and going on the May before it. I don’t know much, but I know as sure as I know anything, this is a feeling that will never end. You’re so spectacularly beautiful. And I’m filled with all these new dreams. Well, nothing that compares to you! But things that might be fun to pursue creatively. Thank you for bringing out the best in me (well, besides all this epic rambling). Seeing you, and I’ve got to go off somewhere and faint. It’s really how it feels. And hopefully dream about you. Everybody loves you. The ones who don’t are envious! You touch everyone with your beauty and your brilliance. I’m *so* happy I get to be one of them. You change everything. You’re positively saving. Please never doubt even for a moment how preciously beautiful you are. Wow … 😊 ❤️ (again, 40-year long game. You’re not *expected* to feel anything now. Don’t worry! I got this friendship all figured out!) 😅 🌟