Ah!! When someone says your name, my head goes up like Jake’s when I say that magic word, “Walk?” And there’s so much excited anticipation!! Such expectation in his face!! I feel sure that’s exactly how my face becomes – when I hear your name!! I realize I’ve gushed too much this week. Have I, though? It never feels enough, because there’s always something to express – with you! A guy has to play hard to get. So instead of 139 romantic posts about you, I should probably pare it back to 132. That way, you’ll be like, “Whoa, wait! Has some other girl grabbed him up?? He’s too good to sit on the shelf!! … He’s an absolute dream!!!” (on that last part, yeah, it’s Lorraine in Back to the Future when she first sees Marty … well, hey, at least we’re not related!! So I jumped at least that first hurdle!! It’s just all those other ones I’d have to worry about!!) 😅 Something about you in a turtleneck sweater! *sigh* You wear so many looks, and you make each one your own! You could be that most breathtaking modern woman like Billy Joel sings about, or you could be a Hell’s Angel, and you’d be the Alpha of that group!! And the thing is, with you, you can pull off *any* look and it would never ever seem fake. There are so many facets to you. How could anyone not fall in love with you? Today, with or without your glasses, it’s this studious look you have. And this time you smiled!! I die inside when you do!! I wonder if you decided, maybe I’ll slip one in – a half smile, just to brighten up his day. You know I like dreaming! Your half-smile is fuller than a full moon shining bright!! All these different shades of your smiles! You have so many expressions, I can’t even begin to count. Well, that’s not true! I’ve counted seven so far!! I’m in love with them all!! And like snowflakes that are falling, there is *always* one new!! With you. It’s just one of so many facets of this glorious diamond that is you. And after you appeared I noticed it was 11:11! So I made a wish! As you can imagine, it had something to do with you!! I’m guilty of the occasional, “Oh, please let her love me!!” And God looks down at me, and cooly brushes His hand against His robe, preoccupied with covid-19, and answers casually, “Don’t be so desperate, dude.” More often, I’ve learned to try to not make my wish about me. So I just ask, “Please look over her, and make sure she is safe – and thanks!!” Sometimes I have to remember to say thank you! I know that’s important to do! I figure if I got anywhere at all with you, playing it cool would backfire tremendously on me now! You’d know, anyway. I feel like you always do, and think, “This isn’t who you are.” I tried it once when I was blue in September, and that backfired so badly on me! You shook your head “no” – after I made a series of blunders, and I remember I was eating, and my head almost ended up in my plate. A friend patted me on the back, I remember that!! “It’ll be okay.” Did I imagine all of that? I’m the first one to say, I have no idea if this is crazy, but I just so have to believe!! That the look is for me. Even that one where you shook your head ‘no’ – I was devastated, but the bright side was it was only further proof – that I could know there was some correlation – between my words and my actions and your responses to me! When I was really in that sweet spot, and just on a roll, the looks came in so strong. *sigh!!!* I felt so energized like I would explode!! Okay, so if it all does seem crazy, I plead guilty! But someone said to me, “Everybody needs a hobby.” And I kind of laughed. And I thought, well then, this is the best one of all!! Of course, it’s so much bigger than that to me! But if a hobby is about passing time with something of interest, that would be this times a million!! Nothing in this world brings me such happiness as when I see you and then gush out some prose. Some of it is pretty good, I hope! On other days, like this one, when I honestly haven’t gotten much sleep this past week, I realize it must just seem like endless rambling – flying out of my fingers! But I post it, anyway. I mean, really … what do I have to lose? By this point, I have to imagine, you know if you like me. And you’re either not paying attention … ah, that’s the thought that brings me down the most … “what if she never even looks *at all???* … I can feel my heart drop. That’s why I love it so much when there’s the smallest clue!! From you! Like a look – although I know that rapidly firing magic might not return for a while – or then there’s the tweet that I suffer over … “Is there a *chance* it was for me??” I can only imagine what it must be like for you! You’re so beautiful and yet you’re modest. You’re real. You’re grounded. But if ever you felt like it, you could be driving down the highway, chatting with a friend, and just run your beautiful fingers through your beautiful hair as you say, “Yeah, I have guys who are completely and totally devoted to me, and they haven’t even met me.” That’s how powerful you are. “And there is this one guy who wants me to give him my cashapp so he can gift me – just to brighten my days – and never say a word.” And your friend is so jealous, but she doesn’t say it!! And she finally says, “That guy! He sounds so magical! Especially if he’s a bit older, and writes impassioned poems to you, and stays devoted while never asking a thing of you. *That* kind of guy is the kind of friend you want to keep!!” And you look at your friend suspiciously and say, “Who hired you?? Who’s writing this, anyway?!” Okay, I’m guilty. And you’re beautiful. Like no one I’ve ever seen. Please forgive this post! I can tell I’m a little spent, and need to get more sleep! It’s been a long week! But everything is great!! I have to admit it’s my greatest joy to think of you – or see you! – and get my fingers on a keyboard – and fast!! Sometimes what flows is magic. Sometimes it’s silly and disjointed. But, it’s always seventeen degrees of bliss! It’s always exciting to see what comes out! Nothing in this life has inspired me like you do. I’ve never seen such beauty before. Before you or after you. I’ve never felt such feelings. Where I used to have a thing called “writer’s block,” now I’m like, “What’s that??” This well is always flowing!! Over you! Whether it’s clear and sparkling water, or on days where it’s a little dirty. But you are synonymous with expressing!! You inspire *everything!!!* It’s all about your beauty. I never need to own you or possess you. I don’t even need a hello or some kind of secret code – although I ache for that kind of thing. Just *something* where I can say to myself, “Okay, now I *know* she is listening!!” That’s all I really hope for. I never need to have a title like ‘boyfriend’ or ‘significant other’ – although I’d die to be your friend!! Maybe someday. A guy has to keep some hope, anyway! But I have no illusions either way. I wrote a year and a half ago about you the following: “You’re worth being loved in such a way where someone wants far less to possess you, but simply to behold you. That breathlessness of beholding you! Where the love felt for you is so overwhelming, it brings on a depth of things never felt before. Like bottoms falling out of floors, over and over and over again on the inside! To hold you invisibly as an angel would when you are hurt by someone’s words, and to whisper love in your ear when in any kind of pain. And, that’s the goal in itself. That’s the reward.” And I love that those words ring so true. I’ve proven them to you – I hope! – over the last eighteen months – well, not counting the audacity of sending flowers and trees. I’m a flawed guy, I know that. But, I *love* that I can look back over things I said to you so long ago, and sure enough, as imperfect as I am, I kept my word. They were all true!! It’s like something bigger and so divine is running through me all the time, when it comes to you. I’m not a proud guy, but I *do* feel so proud over that. It’s the thing I really feel pride over. I said about you, “She’s the thing that excites you out of bed each morning, just simply to see what she is up to that day! And you can say – honestly and truly – you are content with just that alone. And so thankful for it. And you mean it. You mean it as deeply as you’ve ever meant anything.” Las Vegas odds would have said, “Oh, just wait. Guys talk like that, but soon enough they’ll be looking for something.” I’m not proud about much, but I love that it *has* been this way for what will soon be two years. I never wavered from it. I meant it then, and I mean it now. I can’t help but feel a little proud. I love the way I love you. It feels ecstatic and like a ball on a court, bouncing wildly and flying out of bounds!! And yet it’s steady and mature. It knows the rules – it’s the ones you set that are important to him. And he never wants to upset you. He only wants to bring you happiness, in whatever way you allow. But you know he lives to express over you! So you let him do that. Like a kid with a coloring book, you look on and see me on my tummy, so happy on the floor with all my crayons!! I’m like a little kid, so happy when I’m expressing over you. You really are so beautiful. I know I’m rambling today more than usual, and it’s not very poetic. It’s simply all over the place. I’m trying to explain something that doesn’t really need words. It’s just what my soul loves to do. Honor you, in whatever way allowed. And I sense – just maybe – you get it, you understand, and hopefully part of you likes it, too. I’ll never let you down. I’ll never become someone you don’t know. I can say that because this feeling in me is the surest thing I know. I so love doing anything that might simply lift you. Because whatever I do that lifts you, it lifts me, too. I love you. I love that it’s okay to say I do. Perhaps maybe you smile just a little – oh, that smile of yours!! – and you let it pass. You let it go, and you think, “Oh, that’s just Todd being Todd.” But you also know I only get this way over you. And you smile just a little bit bigger. And you inhale a life-giving breath. And you face all you need to do today, thinking, “Yeah, … I do all that.” ❤️